Kiwi Bastard - rants from a Kiwi in Europe

Sports Roundup

2008-05-28T19:38:00.003+01:00

Black caps, oh how you torment me. Was riding the wave Sunday morning, Poms looking like shit and then you cave and the Poms cruise to a win. Well cruise in the rusty old 76 Falcon with 500k on the clock, been running on five cylinders since the 80's sense of the word.

Ah fucking well. Scotty "BIG Dix" Dixon at least came through for the ole Silver Fern at the Indy 500.

When asked, the near senile Keith Quinn said it was in the top ten Kiwi sporting achievements, but "motor racing is not my cup of tea". Great objective sports journalism there Keith. Fucktard. When asked what his favourite NZ sporting moment was, he just went misty eyed and kept repeating, "LOMU, LOMU OH OH OH" and an unmistakable moistness was evident in his trousers.

I enjoy 30 big burly blokes smashing the living shit out of each other as the next hetro male, but in the worlds of Selwyn Toogood, Fuck me New Zealand. There are more sports than Rugby out there, and some of these sports can actually stand up when it counts. It's lucky the AB's aren't in porn cos they'd blow their load all over the fluffer girl, and then walk around with the biggest limpest cock for the rest of the time until they get told to leave.

YES I AM STILL FUCKING BITTER ABOUT THE WORLD CUP. In fact I'm still bitter about ninety fucking five. Erm, and 99 oh and 2003. Right that's it I'm watching motorsport from now on. At least if I get a semi half way through, I can blame it on Danica Patrick.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

2007-10-07T19:12:00.000+01:00

Spent the weekend in Amsterdam on a stag doo.

It was all going so well, I was with a bunch of Poms, we went down to an Irish bar to watch the England game. So far so good, the Aussies left with tails between their legs and I was an England fan for 80 minutes.

Then I waited with a smug arrogance of knowing we would stuff the Poms in the Semis, once we stuffed the Frogs. But then the script was rewritten. 15 Frenchmen and one Englishman conspired to ruin our hopes and dreams. There we were, a bunch of strangers in a bar, united under the banner of a nation, in our Black jerseys shocked. Dumbfounded. Unbelieving. Watching the garlic smelling cheese eating surrender monkeys also at the bar jumping up and down. How could this happen?

No one died. The world will go on, but the emptiness we felt and still feel will take a long time to forget. A fan will always stick by their team through good and bad, but like a dog who keeps chewing your favourite slippers, there comes a time when a bullet needs to be introduced to the proceedings.

I could go on about the ref, the forward pass, the ref, the constant infringing at ruck time, the ref, spending 25 phases off side, the ref, having an arm out for offside then putting it down again, the ref, but what's the point? We lost. The ink is dry in the history books. As George Grogan would say, "Four more years". We'll all be there, but I hope we learn something from this, Never. Never again can we assume so much and be so arrogant. We can't just show up and win this thing. We aren't good enough. That is a fact.

I think that's the hardest thing of all to take.

Rowing is the new Rugby

2007-09-01T15:19:00.000+01:00

Just watching the Rowing world champs from Munich. We won 3 golds and a couple of silvers. These people never fail, as opposed to the All Blacks who never fail to disappoint at World Champs.

Maybe as a country we should get in behind winners more often rather than just blindly back the All Blacks. I am as big an All Blacks fan as the next sheep shagger, but credit where credit is due. Imagine how awesome the rowers would be if they had a tenth the funding of the Rugby Union. Anyway, awesome work rowers. Who said sitting on your arse was a bad thing eh?

Best part of the viewing was the English coverage. In the coxless 4 (no that's not a womens race) the Brits were white hot favourites. You would think they were rowing against themselves. The commentators kept calling their race right until the end when it was obvious the Kiwis were going to win. It was Britain blah blah, Britain blah blah, New Zealand wins. Is there anything better than beating Poms? Well beating Aussies I guess, but it was still O for Awesome.

NPC = No Phucking Crowd

2007-08-07T20:48:00.000+01:00

Here in the land of the Blighty, we get the Saturday games from NZ live on Sky Sports 2. I turned on last Saturday morning and was shocked. Shocked I say. The NPC, the so called shop front of the game, and there's no fucker there. Disgraceful.

You can say what you like about the Poms, and I do, but you can't fault their enthusiasm for supporting their sports teams. It's almost impossible to get tickets to any professional league football games, and even the non league teams have sell out crowds. These people are genuine fans, and we could learn a lot from them.

Hang your head New Zealand. You have great rugby going on in your back yard and you would rather stay home with the missus. Next you'll be sipping Chardonay Spritzers and subscribing to the Arts channel.

Poofters.

Pass the duchey on the left hand side

2007-07-26T21:29:00.002+01:00

I was watching that pushbike race around Frogville on tele the other day. They kept talking about cyclists doing drugs or something. Usually with that amount of drug taking there would be a lot of tie dye and long hair. Also I would have expected them to stop along the way and down a couple of bags of chips and a KFC party pack, but I didn't see any evidence of that.

It seems an awful lot of work to do for a couple of reefers.

Week in Review : July 26 2007

2007-07-26T21:29:00.001+01:00

It rained.

[Insert the title of a Supertramp song here]

2007-07-26T21:24:00.000+01:00

Ok not wanting to repeat myself, but C'MON. WTF is up with this farking weather. Ok England I get it. You're good at rain. I'm impressed. But seriously enough is enough. Stop already.

Fuck Me. It's like turning on the T.V. and the Simpsons is on, but then you realise it's the one you've seen about a million goddamn times. Well make that every day for two months and you get the idea.

Proof: A Picture is worth 1000 words

2007-07-23T21:48:00.000+01:00

Story hereis completely useless without pictures.

I don't see the fuss - why shouldn't hot blonde chicks walk around naked. In fact when I rule the world it will be compulsory.

Movies in England

2007-07-22T10:56:00.000+01:00

Went to movies for the first time on Friday. Went to see the new Harry Potter borefest, but this isn't a movie review blog so I won't go into that here, but suffice to say don't bother.

Not until that bird gets to a legal perving age anyway....

Where was I, oh yeah. Got to the movies a few minutes early as you do, and they were still cleaning the theatre. Ok can handle that. The English are lazy and slow so no surprise there. Got in, sat down. All good so far. Some pimply dude comes in with a food trolley - just incase you were too stupid to miss the bar on your way in.

Then the ads start. And go on. And on. And on. At one point I turned to the missus and said , "We paid for these tickets didn't we?". Well why the fuck do I have to sit through 20 fucking minutes of ads. And I'll let you in to another secret of UK life. The ads are written by retarded 5 year olds. They show as much originality and humour as a Seinfeld rerun. No really. Someone from Saaaaatchi needs to come over and setup shop here.

I don't mind the odd ad here and there, but c'mon 20 minutes? Fuck that. No wonder movie sales are falling and DVD's and ahem Internet downloads are increasing. No one wants to sit through 20 minutes of ads. No one. Not even the 5 year old retards that make them.

You can come in 20 minutes late I guess, but the farktards don't allocate seats, so unless you have a rubber neck then that's a bad idea too.

So 10/10 for fucking over the customers for UK Movie theater owners. Add them to my list of cunts I want to kick in the nads.

The world hasn't ended

2007-07-04T08:30:00.000+01:00

Smile everybody the world isn't over. So we didn't win back the America's Cup. It was close but, in the end as I predicted yesterday, we just weren't good enough.

To win this thing, you need everything to fall in to place and be on all the time. You can make mistakes, and unfortunately we made several crucial mistakes at key moments.

Hats off though to the guys, they run on a shoestring and acquitted themselves honourably. The gap is ever closing and lets just hope they manage to keep the team together. I hear Mr Coutts is available - it would be only pigheaded stubbornness that would keep him out of the team - from both parties.

Above all else, as a New Zealander we can feel proud. There is absolutely no doubt in the world that we ARE the best sailors in the world. Alinghi would not have won yesterday without New Zealanders on board. Period. So while it's gutting that "our" team didn't win, at least we had a major part in the win.

Right that's sailing done for another 4 years or so!

Urinals

2007-07-03T13:01:00.000+01:00

Is this anything less dignified than Urinals. I hate the bloody things. There are so many design flaws, I look for the Microsoft sticker on the side of them.

I mean first off, it's almost impossible to take a piss with some stranger standing beside you, so you have to pray for an empty toilet when you go. Or worse still your giving it the drip shake, maybe a little longer than you should, and someone comes in and thinks your having a wank. The worst thing of all though is splash back. (I'm talking the white bowl urinals, not the sheet of stainless steel versions here btw). I'm quite tall and urinals are always designed with drawfs in mind. By the time my stream of piss hits the porcelain, gravity has added some velocity to it. No matter where I aim or stand some splash back occurs. Nasty.

Plus, I don't really want so stranger looking at my wanger. Infact the only people that should really know what my wang looks like are my missus and the doctor. Bastard toilet designers don't make birds piss into a hole in the middle of the floor, so why the fark should we men be exposed to an affront on our dignity.

So here today, I'm starting a call to all (normal) men to boycott the urinal, and urge toilet designers to have stalls like dorises have. I'm starting a foundation. I call it Men Against Shitters That Are Built Against Toilet Equality Standards or MASTABATES for short. It has a catchy ring. I think it could take off.

I had intended on calling it Wee Against a Normal Karsi or WANK for short, but it sounded rude, and this is a serious subject.

All or nothing

2007-07-03T12:49:00.001+01:00

It's all or nothing this afternoon in Valencia. It looks like the wind is quite strong, so we will need everything in our favour. No broken sails. No bad calls from the afterguard. No botched tacks or spinnaker hoisting. It all must be perfect.

After the weekend of choking though I think we have about as much chance as Helen Clark winning Miss Universe.

Good luck though lads. Do it for New Zealand. Do it for the Kiwi's who have spent a lot of money to go to Valencia to support you. Do it so we don't have to watch poof boy and butterball dry humping each other under the guise of jubilation.

It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to realise that if we don't win, that will be about us done with the America's cup. We had to rely on bake sales and a loan from poof boy to get us to Valencia, and I just don't think anyone will have the inclination to do it all again. It's sad because we as a nation have given so much to the cup, but number eight wire can only go so far I guess.

WTF is up with this weather

2007-07-03T12:43:00.000+01:00

Now, coming from New Zealand I should be used to this, but for farks sake. I can't remember the last time it didn't rain. That is not a joke, it's a unfortunate fact. There has been some pretty major flooding in England, luckily we have missed that.

No wonder the Poms are a dreary, whinging bunch of farktards. It really does get you down after a while.

Still, at least it's mild and not -5C like it is back home. HAHAHAHAHA sheep shaggers.

Week in Review: Chokers

2007-07-03T06:49:00.000+01:00

Pretty busy week this erm, week. As a (probably) weekly feature of this blog I will post a week in review of the things I have found interesting over the week.

America's Cup
The week started with promise and excitement. Poof boy and Butterball lost their smug look and Emirates Team New Zealand (which I will never call them again) were looking good. Fast forward to the end of the week and the cheesy Swiss are one win away from keeping the cup. Bastard. The old issue of gear failure and wrong decisions came back and the Silver Ferns were preparing to pass on the chokers badge they have been looking after.

Never one to give up but we look to be pushing the proverbial up an incline.

Rugby
Again the week started all rosy like with a narrow, but heroic come back against the yarpies. It ended in tears against the Wollowbies and highlighted some issues we now seem to have before the world cup. Ironically for a history teacher, Uncle Ted appears to be not learning from said history and sticking to the program guide. Awesome outside of World Cup year, as soon as the WC comes into view we get the wobbles like Michael Campbell at a major.

Major midfield issues have developed, and the locks appear to be made of paper mache. Oh some "witty" Pom told me this joke the other day, "Why is it so easy for Burglars in New Zealand? Because they have no locks". We are becoming a laughing stock. Stop this rot now Ted or there will be tears before bedtime.

UK Terrorist Attacks
Really don't understand this. I can't stand Aussies or Swiss Billionaires, but it doesn't make me want to strap a BBQ to my Reliant Robin and drive into an airport. I say let them have what they want, completely move out of the Middle East and let them get back to beating Women and Children and all the other things they love to do. Oh and they can poke their oil up their collective arses too, rendering the middle east as irrelevant as Africa, just a sand covered shit hole. The terrorists hate the west because we are the devil apparently, with our consumer and consumption based lifestyle, putting possessions over everything else. Hmmmm. Apparently the terrorists have never been to Dubai.

I feel sorry for the average Muslim, whom I don't have an issue with, but turning a blind eye to terrorism is almost as bad as taking part. That is the last I will speak on the subject.

iPhone
The iPhone was released in the US this week to huge fanfare. 500,000 sold in the first weekend is huge. It lives p to the hype apparently. If anyone can make a phone that actually farking works, it's Apple. Can't wait to get one, when they are released in Europe. To anyone who doesn't know what the iPhone is : it's basically a computer, mp3 player, PDA, web device and phone all in one device. Or in other words, one more way to watch internet porn.

Nasser Husein : As good at commentating as cricket

2007-06-28T19:31:00.000+01:00

Just watching the 20/20 hit and giggle between England and the Windies. Direct quote from Sadams cousin, Nasser:

"In strides Kevin Pedersen. The best one-dayer player in the world".

OMFG. I have heard some complete bullshit in my time, but this takes the cake. Hey Nasser, I think Adam Gilchrist, Ricky Ponting and even Matty Hayden would have a thing or two to say about that.

If talking up your sportsmen was an olympic sport, England would win Gold, Silver and Bronze. I genuinely feel sorry for elite sportspeople in Britain. They are hyped more than the iPhone, and have less chance of meeting the hype.

The only person I can think of i the last 20 years that comes close to expectation is Lewis Hamilton, and really he is just starting out. Unfortunately he must fail one day soon. Watch out when he does, because the media backlash is worse than the build up.

Nearly jinxed it

2007-06-26T18:23:00.000+01:00

Buggar Me. How can a sport where the top speed is barely above walking pace, be so goddamn exciting? More twists and turns than a Labour politician. Mucho credit must go to Alinghi, but TNZ were quite frankly awesome.

BTW, there is no truth to the rumours that the wind shifts were due to Butterball having a curry last night.

Keep up the work guys. We are behind you.

America's Cup Rumour

2007-06-26T16:45:00.000+01:00

Dalton was overheard the other day when he was "Up the old sailor" - a nautical themed bar in Valencia not a popular sea captian - that when we win the Cup back there will be some major rule changes.

My source said the changes are:

- At least 85% of the crew to be from the country they are representing
- A weight restriction per crew member - guess this means Butterball is farked
- The Michael Fayesque big boats to make a return, complete with Captain Cook style sails
- Larry Ellison banned because he is a cock.

Apparently the new rules are designed to keep costs down and reintroduce the spirit of the America's Cup.

Not one to count chickens...

2007-06-26T16:39:00.000+01:00

But fark me. Round the first mark we are 1:23 ahead. So much for Butterball and poof boys "Rocket Ship". Here's a tip Alinghi - if you want to lose some ballast and weight, throw Butterball off the boat. It will drop the weight by, shit 200Kg I reckon.

English Rugby Writers have their head up their arse

2007-06-26T13:03:00.000+01:00

Ok, so Rugby isn't terribly popular in England compared to poof ball. I get that. By the way, if I see another poofter lying on the ground in agony after diving I'm going to snap. Get up and play a mans game you tosser.

Anyway, I guess most reporters here want to cover Soccer. That means the ones who are left over are the spaso's or illiterate son's of a drunken night in 1978. It shows. All they seem to want to do is complain about Uncle Ted complaining (yes even I can spot the irony there), or winge on about us stealing players from the Islands.

Talk about unresearched clap trap Trev. I can see through them like my favorite pair of undies though. They are just trying to shift focus away from how utterly crap their team is. The England team that shows up for the World Cup will be the worst defending champions since the 1991 All Blacks. There are strikingly many similarities between the two teams as it happens. Both teams are favouring tired veterans over exciting new players. I even heard a rumour the Will Carling was going to take a break from shagging royals and put the boots back on!

Stop the crap English Rugby writers, and start concentrating on your own back yard. That way when you are bundled out of the World Cup in the first round, it won't come as a huge surprise. Or perhaps that's a strategy too? It would give you something to write about...

Hard Luck Yarpies

2007-06-26T12:51:00.000+01:00

Man those yarpies just can't catch a break. 12 points up with a few minutes to go and they still lose.

What's more with Ritchie's constant bully boy tactics how could they cope. I mean I saw several times when McCaw blatently chested a poor Safa in the fist and one time he cheek butted another Safa's sprigs. I expect more from an All Black captain.

Taking a leaf from Uncle Grahams book, Jake White the Springbok coach is resting his 20 "best" players ahead of the World Cup. Although, "20 best players" is like picking the 20 least retarded at an IHC picnic. Time will tell whether that will work. They did look to run out of puff before the end, so reconditioning might be good for them. As would a brushing up on their Kicking, Passing, Scrumaging, Tackling and tactical play.

Still, they showed more bottle than Sacreu Bleu a couple of weeks ago.

Oh and did anyone spot another new Haka. Geez can't they find one they like and stick with it. For fucks sake. How about one where they all emulate Jerry Collins and lie down and piss on the field? Or maybe just stick to Kamate? At least we know the actions to that and can pull it drunk at parties over here to impress people. Haven't got a hope with these new ones.

Come on All Blacks, play ball.

America's Cup

2007-06-26T12:40:00.000+01:00

Oh how farken funny was that.

Butterball and that Bert were lubing up for the after match man love, when we throw a dummy and score in the corner. Kudos to you Deano, even if you are stirring that twat Marc Ellis' porridge.

It doesn't take an expert, which I'm not, to see that SUI100 has a speed edge in heavier wind but in lighter air it's all on. I think over 9 matches we may come out second, but hey good ole Kiwi battlers are never beaten. With the obvious exception of the All Blacks in recent World Cups.

On a side note, has anyone else notice how lardy Butterball is getting. Is he trying to become the new "Mr America's Cup", by emulating Dirty Dens girth?